Belonging

"I curse God for whatever happens to me."

"I curse destiny."

(Long Pause-Dad screams in the other room)

"I curse family the most."

For a long time now, I've blamed my family for everything that has happened to me, and probably, everything that will happen to me in the future. Families are the toughest to understand, but the easiest to love. You give them so much, and expect equally so in return. And when unfortunately, they don't have enough to give, you're disappointed. I honestly wish it was easier to understand what "runs in your blood" is. Is it a trait you own only because of your parents? If it wasn't for them, would you have had been this good at all? Reality strikes you hard, or rather, strikes you out, when you realise you are who you are, because of who they are. 

But what hurts more is the fact that they know exactly where it hurts the most, they know how to heal it, they probably know everything, because you're just a reflection of a combination. My parents never signed up for what goes on at home right now-the loud voices, the screams, the face-making, the unbreakable silences, the final verdicts, the unity in our brokenness and the trait of constant anger.

It has been tough putting up with a family that expresses too much in action,rather than words. It has been tough to understand that screaming is just going to hurt you,and will bring no results. It has been tough to keep track of tears that meant too little. It has been tough to live,anyway.

I've grown up to find comfort in silences,and not react to what is. I've left anger to the rest of them, but somehow, it haunts me still. The fact that I'm conditioned to react to any loud voice at all is frightening. But there's another thing about family that none of us happen to notice. The other side of the mess-there's peace, there's safety, there's warmth, there's wholeness.

Yes, family can never mean friendship because friendship is a choice and family isn't. You're locked out of their lives,more than half the time. But maybe if you knock enough, on the door, someone out there will let you in. They'll let you know how it feels like to be who they are and mean what they mean to you. And despite you not wanting it, there will be someone who watches you fall asleep every night and make sure nothing disturbs you, not even the first ray of sunlight in the morning. The thing about family not being able to be your friend, is that friendships are choices, choices you can regret, but family? You can't regret being where you are, you can only blame, only curse. You can't regret because it wasn't your choice and maybe that's what makes it even more wonderful, the fact that deep within-the root of roots and the bud of buds, you belong somewhere, you know someone is already home, always waiting, always there.

Maybe the place we are frantically looking for, the place we need to know about in order to find ourselves-Maybe that place is home where family is, where reason isn't defining, nor is emotion too little. Maybe we're all meant to be where we are, forever.

And yes, "I am who I am because of who we all are." And I guess I'm proud of it.